By Gary Mcclain, MS, PHD, LMHC
The COVID-19 threat continues. Recovery has been painfully slow. We’re all feeling frustrated.
Self-isolation has been key to staying healthy, but human beings are social by nature. We’re all feeling the loneliness, along with the uncertainty about when we can safely return to some kind of normalcy.
Did I say uncertainty? That’s something else humans don’t do well with. We want to know!
How are you feeling? If you’re anything like the people I talk with every day – as a mental health professional, as a friend, as a family member – you’re most likely feeling all sorts of emotions as you cope with life as we currently experience it. Frustration, fear, anger, sadness, disappointment... and more frustration.
For families living with a chronic condition like a bleeding disorder, the isolation has resulted in additional concerns. Access to physicians and treatment centers has been much more complicated, with the need to take additional precautions to prevent bleeding episodes. Any changes to healthcare routines can be scary, as well as disruptive to established regimens. Of course, the need for home-schooling and other changes to family routines is also challenging. And frustrating…
All these emotions need somewhere to go. Sometimes you just want to vent.
A Good Vent Can Promote Emotional Wellness
Here are the potential benefits of a good vent: Venting helps you work through your feelings which, in turn, is a step toward accepting the challenges you and your family members are facing. It’s a way to let out all those feelings that have been building up in your mind, taking up valuable space that could be better used for thinking and decision-making. Fighting your feelings is fighting yourself. When you stop the fight, you’re in a better position to find solutions.
A caution: venting can turn into ranting, which is a lot of angry words that go on and on and don’t accomplish anything except to drive everyone else away in the process. Venting helps you to release feelings, while ranting is a way of hanging on to them.
Not Sure How To Vent In A Way That Promotes Your Emotional Wellness? Here’s How:
Give yourself permission to express strong emotions
Human beings experience a whole wide range of emotions from the emotions we label as “good,” like happiness, to the ones we label as “bad,” like anger. Instead of labeling emotions as good or bad, let’s label them as human. And then tell the positive thinking brain cells to take a break while we feel how we feel. Look at it this way: Not getting bogged down with trying to “swallow” your emotions can help you to maintain your optimism.
Find a willing listener
Not everybody in your life is able to listen while you vent about a challenge you’re facing. Some may be uncomfortable with strong feelings or think they should do something to help you and, as a result, feel helpless, or they have too many of their own problems to deal with. Avoid choosing someone who wants to run for the hills as soon as you open your mouth, those who will judge you for not “staying positive,” or who will try to fix you in some way instead of just listening.
Be mindful of your intentions
Ever had a political discussion you realized later was really all about how angry you are at the other person and not about politics? A vent can be just that – a way of indirectly expressing anger at someone, or again, turn into a rant. Take a step back and ask yourself, what is it you need to vent about, and why?
Keep in mind that venting has consequences. A positive consequence is giving voice to your feelings. Doing this can take away their power to do harm or to keep you stuck. However, venting that is directed toward someone else can have the consequence of alienating other people.
Start by asking if the other person is willing to listen
Say something like, ”I just need to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. Would you mind listening?” It might help to add: “I don’t expect you to have any answers for me. I just need a listener.”
State what you want to vent about
“I am dealing with ________.” This accomplishes two purposes. First, it provides the opportunity for the other person to decide whether this is something they can hear. It will also help you stay focused and help avoid drifting into a rant about everything that has frustrated you for the past 20 years.
Be mindful of how the other person is reacting
Body language says it all. Nodding, leaning forward, eye contact – these are signs of involvement. Looking away, moving away, interrupting you with comments like “You’ll be fine” are signs the other person has heard enough. It can help to ask, “Is this hard for you to listen to? If so, I understand.” Don’t take it personally. Not everyone can sit with uncomfortable emotions – their own, or someone else’s.
Say what you need to get out
Set limits on your vent by being mindful of what you need to say. Signal you’re done by expressing appreciation, “Thanks a lot for listening. It helps to have a listening ear.”
Be realistic about your expectations
Your listener may have a few words of support, a few suggestions, or nothing to say at all. Remember, people do the best they can and all you asked was for them to listen. If your listener does respond with a whole list of solutions or orders, you have a choice as to whether you want to receive this information. Who knows? They may have a perspective you haven’t thought about, but you can also say, “You’ve been very helpful by just listening. I don’t expect you to make it better.”
Healthy Venting Can Be A Way Of Connecting
Starting with your partner – you may both be walking around your home stepping around the elephant that keeps getting in the way of your communication. What’s the name of that elephant? Something like frustration, disappointment or fear? Address the elephant by name.
Talk to each other about feelings, beginning with encouraging each other to vent as needed.
Offer to be a listener, too
Remember that your listener, whether your partner or another listening ear, may have some of their own challenges and frustrations and need a listening ear, as well. Be willing to return the favor.
Parents, give your kids a chance to vent
Make your home a safe space for talking about emotions. Talk about your feelings and encourage your kids to talk about theirs. Let your children know you are open to hearing about how they’re dealing with life as we currently know it. They also are feeling a lot of emotions.
By the way, there is no greater way to connect with another person, your partner, your children, a family member, a friend, a co-worker than by listening. Really listening... with an open mind.
If you need a good vent, have at it. Then give somebody else a turn. We’re all in this together!
About Gary McClain
Gary McClain, MS, PhD, LMHC, is a therapist, patient advocate, blogger and author, specializing in helping clients deal with the emotional impact of chronic and life-threatening illness, as well as their families and professional caregivers. He works with clients to understand and cope with their emotions, learn about their lifestyle and treatment options, maintain compliance with medical regimens, communicate effectively with the medical establishment, and listen to their own inner voice as they make decisions about the future. Gary welcomes your questions and comments.
E-mail: gary@JustGotDiagnosed.com
Website: www.JustGotDiagnosed.com
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